Meet Carmine DiPozzi!

So, on Wednesday of last week, I got an email from Jamie, asking if I would be available on Saturday night for a performance. It seems that Schadenfreude (a very talented, local sketch group) was having a Rent Party and that they were asking friends to come and provide atmosphere to the gig. The idea being that the audience would interact with "characters" before the show began, setting the mood and tone for the show. A few shows back, Jamie and Kristen went as corporate hot tamale salespeople. Later, they went as "mega-fans" of the troupe. It seems that the theme for the final show was "An Italian Steakhouse."

"I suggested you to the group and they were really interested. Plus, they're asking you to wear a track suit. Do you have a track suit?"

"No. But I can get one. Count me in."

Jamie and I emailed back and forth a bit, zeroing in on what the troupe needed for the show. I was to play an Italian goombah type, who owned the restaurant and went out of his way to go around and meet the audience before the show, welcoming them to the venue. The bigger the character, the better.

We agreed on a call time to pick me up for the gig and I took it from there. At Ragstock, I found a track suit that was two sizes too small for me. Greg Inda went shopping with me and technically, HE found it. He also found tight, black track pants that matched the top. When I zipped up that size L shirt top over my 2X belly, I knew that character inside and out. The Elvis glasses came afterwards and then I found a lovely horseshoe gold ring to go with my other gold rings. At another shop, I found a size L tank top and size 13 white tennis shoes. All told, the whole costume was right around $50. Totally worth.

The piece du resistance was the lazy porn-mustache that I crafted from my own sexy goatee.

I got home, showered, and then began slowly assembling the bits of the costumes. At Joe's suggestion, I taped a rolled up hand towel to my thigh and was thus endowed with a massive, fake phallus. I balled up a pair of tube socks and made massive testicles out of them. The character was really coming together.

The hand-towel penis.


When the costume was done, Joe and I took a few "glamor" shots in my living room.


Comin' Atcha!



Rock And Roll!


Too Tired To Party!

As planned, Jamie picked me up at 6pm and we made our way to the theater. Once I stepped out of my car, I could hear him say, "Oh My God. What have you done?" I walked right up to his car and shoved my crotch area into his car window. The evening had begun.

During the car ride there, Jamie and I practiced for the gig by improvising as our characters for the whole ride there. Jamie played "Andrew Stuart", the gay matre-d' of the restaurant. Jamie sold the hell out of his character by wearing a pink shirt and a yellow shawl that he referred to repeatedly as his "pashtini". He even wore a light foundation of makeup and eye mascara. Through improvisation, we learned a lot about our two characters. He and I had been working there for years and I grudgingly accepted his homosexuality, he tolerated my grotesque heterosexuality. A co-dependent couple. During the car ride, he improvised a story about how he and his lover, Tony, (I kept calling him his "roommate") had tried to buy a futon from Craigslist (which I called the German guy - get it? Craig Liszt?). I barely listened to a word that he said, preferring to play with his radio and telling him the jokes I'd learned on the internet that day. ("How do you know if a Polock woman is wearing pantyhose? Because he ankles swell up when she farts!!!") The night started off strong as we both learned to inhabit our characters.


Carmine and Andrew.

We got to the gig a little early. About 45 minutes too early. Jamie confirmed that the guys were there and we went inside to see the kids from Schadenfreude. They were testing mics, when we got there, but they soon stopped to admire Jamie and I, when we entered the joint.

"Holy Christ! What do we have here?" yelled Justin, as we walked up to the stage. Kate stopped and stared, "Oh My God. Look at you two." Sandy came out from the back and just started laughing. Adam clapped me on the shoulder and said, "You came here to play, sir!" and we all gathered on stage to visit for a bit. Jamie went right into character and I followed him and we showed them the characters for a bit, hugging Kate inappropriately and acting a fool for the boys. We found one of my catchphrases for the evening, right there, "Youse kids are all right! These peoples are gonna get some comedy's tonight!"

And the night began...

Jamie and I had time for a single drink together, before the people started pouring into the venue. They quickly filled up the front seats and attacked the food, buffet table. The bar fed the audience with roast beef, buffalo wings, a greens tray, chips and plenty of other goodies. (Later, during the show, Jamie and I finally got to eat and Jamie said, "It's like we're the band. Sneaking food in, wherever and whenever we can.") Jamie and I improvised for 4 and a half solid hours, absolutely in character, the whole time.

One of my best gigs was to tour the whole place, meeting the audience. Schadenfreude had a photographer, Alicia, onsite and she took pictures of me with LITERALLY every audience member. I pulled the absolutely same stunt with every person there. If the subject was a guy, I clasped his hand in mine, looked sternly at Alicia and said, "Look likes a businessman" and that's what we did. If the subject was a lady, we stood next to each other and as Alicia counted down to the shot, I snuck in and kissed every woman there. My master plan was for there to be almost a hundred individual shots, all following the same pattern - cold, emotionless blah for the men, forced, uncomfortable sexiness with the ladies. Everybody got something out of it.

(I am happy to report that pics of Carmine schmoozing the audience has begun popping up in the random picture generator on the Schadenfreude website. You can see them on the left side of the front page over here. Click on the pic, to see the next one. Nothing but handshakes and kisses. The whole way through.)

(EDITED TO ADD: Check it out! There's a very nice page here with all the pics of Carmine molesting the audience. My favorites are the ones where the girls look so creeped out. There's also one or two where the guy looks at the camera, uncertain where he is or what is going on. That's pretty great too.)

The whole show was a great time. I had some friends in the audience, Karl & Maralee, Janet, Christina and Steve Scholz were all there. I was pleasant surprised to see Don Hall and Joe Janes were performing on the bill. Jen Ellison was there too. At the end of their gig, Joe and Don ripped off body hair strips that they'd hidden on their person. That was pretty funny.


Before the rip.

If the operative maxim of modern comedy is that "it should be a little bit dangerous", Don and Joe stepped up and proved that it could apply to oneself, as well as to the audience. (Also, consider this, there's a hairless patch of skin near Don Hall's nether regions, right now. Now THAT is comedy.)


And After the Rip.

At the end of the night, Adam, surprised Jamie and I by having our characters come up onstage and say a little something. Jamie and I worked out a bit whereupon he would try to bring some class to the stage and I would tell the pantyhose joke. I did. And it bombed. But that didn't curb my enjoyment of it, one bit. My character laughed and laughed at his own bits, before stealing the mic and "thanking these comedy kids fer comin' out here tonight and makin' us all laugh with their comedy's and all fer a good cause, too." and then I threatened to make out with the one girl in the audience who noticed my stuffed pants before I pointed it out to her. I called her out by name and exited the stage to the sound of her squealing in the back of the room.







All in all, the evening was a blast, from start to finish. After the gig was over, every member of Schadenfreude came up and thanked me for my work at their gig. They were so gracious and cool. They really made me feel like a real rockstar. I learned a lesson there from them. I want my guests at "Sickest Stories" to feel the same way. After my shows, I'll show them the same gratitude that Schadenfreude showed me. I want people who leave my show, to be riding high, the same way that I was, when I left their show. I made sure to thank them individually for having me out and offered to help them again, if they ever needed a help with a gig. Who knows, they might call me and ask me to help them with another one of their gigs, later. And wouldn't it be a blast to work with those guys again?

If nothing else, I got a new picture for my flickr badge, there on my blog. Another picture of another character that I got to play at somebody's show. I like how different Carmine looks from "Johnny Tahoe" or "Clutch Jettison". Truth be told, I am secretly collecting different looks for my characters. It's always fun to design something new and different for someone's show. And it doesn't get much more different than Carmine DiPozzi, restaurateur and letch.